Solving the World's Problems
by MessiahsInPurgatory
Summary: The countries of the world have lots of problems, so we're here to help: as therapists. Warning: minor OOCness, implied pairings for FrUK and Spamano.
1. Chapter 1 Rainy Day For England

***Author Note***

**Twisted- Hello people of earth!**

**Angel- And any extraterrestrial beings reading this.**

**Twisted- What?**

**Angel- We don't discriminate against aliens. I mean, we don't want to offend our friend Tony.**

**Twisted- Oh… anyway we sadly do not own Hetalia. We only own Claire and Kelly (who happened to be based on us so I hope we own them)**

**Angel- Happy reading!**

"A Rainy Day for England"

Claire sits staring at the big clock hanging on the wall of their nice new office. She lounges on a black velvet beanbag chair while Kelly sits in a white one. She looks at the big hand on the ten and practically growls, ten minutes late. Her time is valuable and this person has the nerve to be late. Why did she agree to help people? She can't believe she let Kelly talk her into being a therapist.

"Isn't this fun?" Kelly asks excitedly, bouncing up and down in her bean bag chair.

"Yeah…_fun_," Claire replies, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

Suddenly the door swings open and Arthur sluggishly walks in. He has a cup of coffee in his hand and sunglasses shielding his eyes. He slumps on a beanbag chair across from Kelly and Claire.

"You're late." Claire says as patiently as she can manage. She waits for an explanation. When Arthur only babbles an apology about he's usually quite a gentleman and would never dream of being late to anything, Claire deadpans him, "Come on Arthur, take the glasses off."

He reluctantly pulls off the sunglasses. His green eyes are squinted even in the dimly lit room.

"Wow, your eyes are completely bloodshot! Wait, do you have a black eye?" Kelly comments while examining his eyes. They have heavy bags under them, are blood shot and his right eye is, in fact, black and blue.

"…yeah, I guess so." Arthur responds.

"And how did this happen?" That's Claire, always straight to the point.

"I guess, uhm, I got punched."

"You guess? How do you not know if you were punched?" She quickly replies.

"Well, there was this guy, at this place I went to, and he was angry, and he, ah, punched me."

"This guy?" Kelly inquires.

"At this place?" Claire asks, never missing a beat, "can you be less specific?"  
"Arthur, do you know why you're here?" Kelly says.

"Cuz my friends think I have problems."

"I'm pretty sure they _know_ you have problems," Claire mumbles.

"What problems are those?"

"Well, they say I have a drinking problem."

"And you don't agree with them?" Claire asks skeptically.

"Not really-"

Claire cuts him off, "Not really? You walked in here late with a hangover and a black eye from a bar fight! You don't see that as a problem?"

"Claire," Kelly scolds, "no yelling at the patients."

Kelly turns back to Arthur, "The first step to healing is admitting you have a problem."

"We _know_ he has a problem!" Claire interjects.

"Claire! Let me handle this," Kelly responds, "Go ahead Arthur. Admit you have a drinking problem."

"Well I guess I drink too much too often. But only drink because I…I…I…"

"You what Arthur?" Kelly pushes gently.

"I'm DEPRESSED! Alfred betrayed me, Francis doesn't love me and…and…and…"

"And _what_?" Claire demands. Kelly glares at her.

"Go on Arthur, you can do it," Kelly encourages.

"Am I Catholic or Protestant?" he sobs, "God, I don't even know!" Kelly moves her beanbag chair next to his and she tries to comfort him.

"Sounds like excuses to me," Claire mumbles. Arthur's gaze fixes on the blank wall over Claire's shoulder. He stops sobbing.

"No flying mint bunny, you can't be here." He says to the wall.

Claire looks around, "What?"

"Flying mint bunny, you have to go now. Really, I'm okay."

Claire looks over her shoulder again, "You _better_ not be talking to _me_."

"No, my friend just came to check on me. She's the flying mint bunny behind you."

"Ri-ight. Kelly, he's talking to the flying mint bunny behind me."

"Oh good, you see him too!" Arthur says, getting excited, completely forgetting the woes he had been sobbing over moments before..

"Arthur, have you taken any medications recently?" Claire asks.

"No."

"Well when did these hallucinations start?" She asks inquisitively.

"CLAIRE!" Kelly shouts. She sees Arthur flinches, "I'm sorry Arthur, what she was really asking was when did your friend start to visit you?"

"Oh, for as long as I can remember."

"Okay, and do you have any other friends that other people tend to overlook?"

"Yeah."

"Who?"

"Canada."

"Who?" Claire interjects.

"I meant any other friends that only you can see."

"Oh, well there are many others."

"I see. I think we may need to start having regular sessions."

"Okay, thanks guys." With that he gets up to leave.

"What do you think you're doing?" Claire asks.

"Leaving?"

"Ohhhh no. Sit down, we are _far_ from done," Claire says, much to Arthur's despair, "It's _my_ turn to ask the questions. First off, what happened with you and Alfred?"

"Oh, we, uh, had a…falling out. But that was a long time ago. Guess I just miss the little guy…or not so little guy, not anymore. He was like a son to me and now we don't exactly see eye to eye." He sighs regretfully, while at the same time wishing that Claire was done and that Kelly would be the one asking the questions.

"Well that's sad and all, but did I hear you say something about Francis not loving you?"

"Claire, I really think he's had enough for today. Why don't we-" Kelly says.

Claire cuts her off, "No, no, no. MY turn to talk."

"But-"

"Shut up, I'm prying into Arthur's love life." Kelly falls silent. Claire continues, "Now anyway. Back to the important stuff, do you or don't you love Francis?"

"Well, uhm, you see…" Arthur stammers as his face heats up.

"Awww… I _knew_ there was some sexual tension there!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"No, but your face tells me _everything_ I need to know. Well I think you two would make a _great_ couple! I say go for it."

"B-but what if he doesn't love me?"

"Let me take care of that. I'm pretty sure we have him coming in for a session soon anyway. I will handle everything."

"Claire, this really is ridiculous, we're here to help these people with their problems. We don't need to play matchmaker!" Kelly complains.

"Until next time Arthur!" She says as she shuffles him out the door, despite is protests of "Hold on a bloody second! You can't just open up my private life, which is _quite_ improper by the way, and then-" but Claire doesn't care. "Don't forget, _no drinking_**!** We need you to stay _sober_, kay? But if you do drink, _don't _drive!" Claire calls as he leaves the office.

Kelly sighs rubbing her temples, "we are the worst therapists _ever_."

"Really? I thought we did well."

"By the end of this we may need therapists."

"Who's up next?"

Kelly looks in their appointment book "That's strange; it just says 'Mr. Awesome'. Who could is that?" She fixes the room up before the next appointment.

Claire continues to lounge on her beanbag chair, "I don't know, but he sounds interesting"

"Really?" Kelly asks, "He sounds kind of self-absorbed to me."

***Author Note***

**Angel- Soooo…did ya like it?**

**Twisted- Was it…AWESOME?**

**Angel-That's right I think you can guess who is next.**

**Twisted-That is if you want us to continue. So let us know, ok?**

**Angel- That means REVIEW PLEASE!**

**Twisted- Hope to hear from you guys soon. Again we own none of the Hetalia characters.**


	2. Chapter 2 Prussian Wake Up Call

**Disclaimer-Hetalia does not belong to us…for now…**

**Angel-And thus the madness and cracktastic fun that is the countries of the world in therapy session continues!**

"Prussian Wake-Up Call"

"'Mr. Awesome', hmm, who could you be?" Kelly wonders as she and Claire wait for their next patient.

"I'm telling you, it's gonna be Andy Sixx!" Claire cheers excitedly, "Who else could possible deserve the title 'Mr. Awesome?'"

Kelly face-palms. "For the last time, all of our patients are _countries._ The lead singer of a rock band will not be the focus of our next appointment."

"Whatever," Claire sticks out her tongue. Their bickering is cut short when the door to their office is kicked upon and a rather obnoxious voice floods the room.  
"You are now standing in ze presence of pure and unbridled awesomeness!"

Kelly looks at the newcomer with white hair and red eyes with a mixture of terrified shock and confusion while Claire scowls at him. Gilbert struts into the room and beams at the girls with his hands on his hips, but frowns slightly when he sees Claire's expression of loathing.

"You're not Andy Sixx," she grumbles, and pouts as she looks away, as though this is Gilbert's fault and he is no longer worthy of her attention.

"Duh," he drawls, flinging himself onto the patient's couch, "I am ze awesome Gilbert."

"Well," Kelly begins, "I think I have a pretty good idea of what the problem here is."

"Zis girl over here can't appreciate awesome vhen she sees it?"

"No," Kelly sighs, shooting Claire a warning look before she can make a smart-ass reply, "I think the problem here is that you're a little self-centered."

"Ja, I know," Gilbert says.

"Are you kidding me, you are so- Wait, you know?" Claire's brow furrows in confusion, and Kelly looks thoroughly confused as well.

"How could I not be centered around somezing so awesome?" Gilbert cackles.

"Uhm, okay," Kelly says slowly, trying to figure out a new way to approach this, "So tell us why you're so 'awesome.'"

"Because I'm Gilbert," he says dismissively.

"That's not a good enough reason," Claire sneers.

Gilbert blinks. "It's not?"

"Nope," she says simply, "You must support your statement with actual facts."

"Vell, erm…" he trailed off. He had loads of reasons as to why he was awesome, but he usually wasn't required to talk about them, and couldn't think of any right now…

"Piyoo!"

"What the hell is tha-" Claire's gaze fixes on the top of Gilbert's head.

"Vhat?" Gilbert demands, not at all appreciating her attitude towards him.

"There's, um, a bird in your hair," Kelly says as she stares at him.

"Oh!" he reaches up and takes the little yellow fluffy creature in his hands, "zis is Gilbird."

"You named your bird after yourself?" Claire raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

"I don't think that's the main problem here," Kelly begins, not able to believe that somebody would bring their pet bird to a _therapy session_ of all places, before Claire cuts her off.

"No, but it just goes to show how egotistical this guy is."  
"Vhat does Gilbird's name have to do viz zis?"

"Dude, you named a _bird_ after yourself."

"…I'm awesome. I'm letting people know zat Gilbird is awesome too."

"And how do you think that makes Gilbird feel?" Kelly inquires. Dear Lord, had they really reached the point to where they were trying to get through to Gilbert by talking about the feeling of a _bird_? Oh well, whatever worked.

"How Gilbird feels?" Gilbert looks confused, as well as aghast at the mere thought of hurting his precious Gilbird's feelings.

"Maybe Gilbird doesn't want to be awesome," Kelly suggests, "Or maybe he wants to be his own person, err, bird, instead of a copy of you."

"By being so pushy and sure of your own 'awesomeness', you may have done permanent damage to Gilbird's self-image," Claire says as she struggles to keep a straight face and keep herself from bursting into hysterics over the fact that they were causing Gilbert so much discomfort over a non-existent issue. He takes a moment to stare at the bird he had been cradling with wide-eyes.

"Is zat true Gilbird?" he asks in a stage-whisper. Claire has to bite down on her knuckle to keep from exploding into laughter while Kelly stifles giggles behind her hand.

"Piyoo!" The girls exchange a glance, wondering if that was Gilbird's way of denying the charges they had bought against his master, and they would have to start all over. Whatever the little bird said, it seems to do the trick for Gilbert (if indeed he could understand its language) as he burst into apologies: "You know you could've told me you didn't like your name! You could be Marty! Marty is…kind of awesome…"

"Excellent progress today!" Kelly beams as she stands up and begins to usher the albino out the door, "So proud of you!"

But the moment the door shuts, the girls can't fight it, and laughter fills the room.

After a while, Kelly wipes the tears from her eyes. "That was-"

"Pathetic?" Claire suggests.

"No," Kelly says, but smiles, "it was a success."

"Let's hope we can keep it up."

**Gotta love Gilbird….Erm Marty.**

**Twisted- How could he think he is as awesome as my epic awesomeness?**

**Angel- *sigh* do we need to give you a therapy session too?**

**Twisted- We don't have time! Too many messed up countries to fix! Next up, the flirtatious cowardly pasta lover.**

**Angel- Aww yay! I 3 Italy!**

**Twisted- By the way we will eventually have a session for almost all of the countries but if you guys have any you really want to see soon review and tell us!**

**Angel- Hope to hear from you soon, feedback is always appreciated. Thanks for reading! **

**TheRebelx3- I'm hacking right now. Kesese~ You guys are retarded ._.**


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